As long ago as it may seem in my head, my most memorable bouts with depression and anxiety were only 7-8 years ago. Only 7-8 years since I was crying everyday, asking to stay home from school, taking too many anti-depressants and trying to come to terms with a lot of changes in a short amount of time.
Looking back on that time, I honestly thought I was going to die. I was constantly gripped with the fear that I couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t swallow. Couldn’t function on my own. The fear was so real that my heart would race, I would start crying and then I’d be rushed to the hospital. But nothing was ever REALLY wrong. It was just inside my head. And as many times as I told myself it was in my head, nothing made it better. But it was a small comfort when my mom came home one day and handed me a pamphlet that said, DEPRESSION, in big white block letters. “I think this is what you may have,” she told me, as I sat on my bed, trying to get away from it all again.
It lasted almost four years. I lost a significant amount of weight in that time, but once I went to college, most of my fears and anxieties peetered off. Vanished all-together in some ways. I learned to slowly recognize what triggered a panic attack (at that time it was any small foods that I could potentially choke on… anything constricting like turtle necks… something as simple as a seat belt…or just thinking/talking about my stepbrother or stepsister). I had support from close friends and family who recognized that what I was dealing with was HARD. But I always felt like I was being judged by others who couldn’t understand my invisible demons.
Though, it never really does go away. Even 7-8 years later, the depression and anxiety is sometimes still very hard to deal with. Now it’s a bit more infrequent. While I can now eat grapes, and take small bites of pizza at a time, ride in a car without the constant fear of being near death… it takes me a very long time to eat anything. Most people are done long before I am. I can’t swallow fast, or a lot of food, at one time. I don’t like eating tomatoes, regardless of size, because the texture swallows weird. I avoid taking any and all pills unless I’m in unbearable pain because I can feel the pill as I swallow it. I can’t sleep without a mouth guard because I grind and clench my teeth so hard I wake up with a headache, sore jaw, and duller canines.
This weekend was a test of strength on my part. A test that I feel like I’m failing. I wanted to do it all, and felt like I could do it all. In my mind I’m normally Wonder Woman. I can clean, cook, bake, fold laundry, love my husband, take care of two cats, have lots of free time, and somehow still have energy to work out at 5 a.m. every morning. I can plan all these things to do, and be good at every.single.one.
But I lost it over something so little as not having any peanut butter in the house. We were all out and I needed some for a recipe I was making for a dinner that was spontaneous, for family who came without notice. I had already softened the butter (i.e. accidentally melted it in the microwave), had just enough time to bake this thing before we had to leave. Before I gave up plans I had, before I added one more thing, on top of another, to my plate.
The tension had built all weekend. Small things that threw off my routine just kept mounting on my shoulders. Suddenly doing it myself felt like I was Sisyphus… rolling the heaviest boulder up a hill only to do it again, and again, and again, but without that 1/2 cup of peanut butter that would have suddenly given me the extra burst of strength I needed. It’s like I’m battling a war within my own brain. And whether I win or lose, it’s a battle that’s being fought unnecessarily.
I feel as if I am my own enemy. And at times, it seems like it’s nearly impossible to go on. The tears come flooding back without reason, the pain, the fear. It just grips me and makes me want to sleep. Alone. With no really close friends nearby. With someone who doesn’t deserve to deal with this nonsense.
I just need some time to get over it. To embrace what’s happening and realize I’ll get through it again. I just wish the cloud would just go away already. I don’t know what brought it on, or why it’s still lingering, but I know already that I’m not Wonder Woman, and that I can’t do it all alone.
Elizabeth L. said:
Being honest here. You’re doing too much. That list you gave: managing a home, working full time, baking all the time, dealing with a sick cat, and working out – it’s taking it’s toll on your body and your mind. You physically and mentally cannot keep up with it all.
Which is why you lost it over peanut butter. Trust me as someone who once lost it over brown sugar.
It sounds like you had a mini panic attack. All that tension building up in your mind, all the things you had to do, the fact that they all needed to be JUST SO, etc kept growing and growing until the world was going to end if you didn’t get the peanut butter.
It’s good that you recognize it in yourself and that you know you need to slow down. Take a few steps back, take a few days of from the gym, ask Ross to do some chores, try to relax and calm your body down.
And if it doesn’t get better or you cannot physically or mentally stop, then it’s time to go see someone about it. Life doesn’t have to be this hard.
ruggedgrace said:
Reese this beautiful! Do you realize the strength it takes to admit our moments that we were most weak? You’ve come leaps and bounds, and while you may not be Wonder Woman, you are wonderful, brave, and beautiful. Wonder Woman isn’t real; fictional because there is no such thing as not having weakness.
I can relate to this blog, but have yet to be raw enough with myself to blog about it.
I actually vague-booked this almost exactly last night:
“I feel as if I am my own enemy. And at times, it seems like it’s nearly impossible to go on. The tears come flooding back without reason, the pain, the fear. It just grips me and makes me want to sleep. Alone. With no really close friends nearby. With someone who doesn’t deserve to deal with this nonsense.” and followed it up with “Somebody save me from myself.
You’re not alone woman! ❤
Also, when you get a chance, read this blog:
http://natestpierre.me/2012/01/23/the-struggle/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+natestpierre%2FjlVZ+%28Nate+St.+Pierre%29
This is my favorite quote from it: “There are always those who believe in you, who support you, who love you. Sometimes they’re right by your side. Sometimes they’re not. Wherever they are, seek them out. Talk to them. Listen to them. Cherish them.
They’re right about you, you know. They see the best in you – the part of yourself that’s always there, but you don’t always feel. The part of you that’s beautiful, strong, and resilient. Let them remind you of who you really are.
Struggle is the human condition, but hope is the human spirit.
And there is always hope.
Love you!
Reese said:
Thank you.
Amy said:
I have bipolar disorder, and I am only now coming out to say it to people online and in real life. It’s been a secret for years that I’ve kept locked away because I was scared of what others may think.
I lose entire chunks of time in which I do things that I wouldn’t normally do. Well, that actually hasn’t happened since college, but in the course of a few hours, I spent nearly $14k on credit cards. When I woke up the next day, surrounded by things, I had to shamefully return every single item. I don’t remember doing it at all. I’d also cut myself and not remember it, drink and party and not remember it, engage in all sorts of risky behaviors that I wouldn’t ever normally do…and not remember a second. Terrifying.
I battle with anxiety and mood swings and this voice in my head that tells me that I’m a freak because of a chemical imbalance I can’t control. I also have a lot on my plate (3 kids age 4 and under, husband, household to run, finances to manage, etc.) and I find that when I put too much pressure on myself to be “perfect” at every one of those…that’s when it gets to be the worst.
I just want you to know that you’re not alone. There are lots of people out there with depression, with other mental disorders that cause similar symptoms. Just because we are different than what is supposedly *normal* doesn’t mean we aren’t awesome. That you aren’t awesome. Because you are. And the fact that you recognize your hurts, weaknesses, and low points just makes you all the more awesome.
Lots of love.
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